Jealous Santa
Why was Santa Claus jealous of the Christmas tree?
Because he couldn't hold a candle to it!
Because he couldn't hold a candle to it!
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
psychoSneers
Unbenknownst to you, your favorite onslaught of groan-worthy one-liner jokes. Included with copy/pastable text are square/portrait orientation images if you feel like sharing. I came up with all jokes here by myself, though some/many may not be truly original. Either way, citation to this feed when sharing is appreciated.
You may be wondering, "why am I seeing each joke multiple times in every box?" The answer is accessibility. The typographic images are for people with attention span difficulties. The plain text is WCAG compliant for people with vision difficulties. The audio format is for people with extreme vision difficulties or blindness.
Each Sneer has a download package! Feel free to download and share anywhere!
Christmas Aunt Carol
My aunt Carol loves telling me about all my failures of the past, present, and future.
Yeah, she's a real Christmas Carol.
Yeah, she's a real Christmas Carol.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Jack Frost
Did you know Jack Frost is a bit of a pervert? It didn't used to go 🎵 "Jack Frost nipping at your nose." 🎵
No, it was actually, 🎵 "Jack Frost nosing at your nips." 🎵
No, it was actually, 🎵 "Jack Frost nosing at your nips." 🎵
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Blood Test
A nurse came to get my blood drawn.
But I declined so they won't find me vain.
But I declined so they won't find me vain.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Earth's Prognosis
If women are from Venus and men are from Mars
I'm not so optimistic about Earth's prognosis for habitability in the future.
I'm not so optimistic about Earth's prognosis for habitability in the future.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Garbage Trucks
I feel bad for garbage trucks.
All the other trucks are passing it all being like, "you're garbage!"
All the other trucks are passing it all being like, "you're garbage!"
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Lethal Cheese
Why is it lethal to pin a slice of Havarti cheese to cork board?
Because you're forced into getting a Havarti-tac.
Because you're forced into getting a Havarti-tac.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Adolescent Bear
I once was attacked by an adolescent bear.
Now I run & scream in terror whenever I see a thirteen-year-old with chest hair wearing assless chaps.
Now I run & scream in terror whenever I see a thirteen-year-old with chest hair wearing assless chaps.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Living the High Life
I used a mansion, sports car, the works.
But now I'm sober, so no more of the high life for me.
But now I'm sober, so no more of the high life for me.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Crow Quarantine
I had to be quarantined after being visited by nineteen crows. I contracted CORVID-19.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Do the Dew
I used to drink Mountain Dew, but
it was a giant pain going up the pass every morning collecting all those droplets.
it was a giant pain going up the pass every morning collecting all those droplets.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Health Ward
When I was at the hospital, I met depressed tempura, bipolar miso soup, and schizophrenic sushi. It was the Bento Health ward.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Bad Psychiatrist
I told my psychiatrist with bad hearing that I'm feeling dejected.
He quickly wrote down, "Patient thinks he's a VHS tape."
He quickly wrote down, "Patient thinks he's a VHS tape."
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Gingerbread
What do you call a red-headed baker?
Gingerbread man.
Gingerbread man.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Blackout Drunk
I once got blackout drunk. Just LIGHTS OUT. When I woke the next day...
I was being charged with terrorism for taking out the energy grid.
I was being charged with terrorism for taking out the energy grid.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Christmas Cougars
What do you call a cougar encounter while chopping down a Christmas tree?
A Christmas stalking!
A Christmas stalking!
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
That's A Mean Cookie
What do you call a cookie that's mean and snippy at you?
Shortbread.
Shortbread.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Festive Potatoes
What do you call a bag of potato chips that travels the world in a single night giving gifts to all the children?
Krisp Krinkle.
Krisp Krinkle.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Dearly Departed
Sadly, my mom departed.
Her flight lands in two hours.
Her flight lands in two hours.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Cruel Boss
I told my boss at the ink factory that I wanted to die.
He was oddly encouraging of the idea.
He was oddly encouraging of the idea.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack
Dark Side of the Moon
There's that one Led Zepplin song that goes, "I'll see you on the dark side of the moon."
You know, I've been mooned before. Not going to the dark side of it.
You know, I've been mooned before. Not going to the dark side of it.
Audio, Plain Text, & Image Pack